Lago Vista, TX - In a series of disturbing events, it has been discovered that the American white tail Deer (Odocoileus virginianus) have an overwhelming attraction to stars and flashy sunglasses. Reigning Texas Bike Rodeo State Champion, Andrew Dahlheim, 19, explains,"Friday evening, I was just riding along minding my own business, looking hot in my Retina burns and Texas Tough jersey and all of a sudden the thing just came out and tackled me. I mean, I'm used to dodging the many overzealous fans I encounter as a local celebrity, but I just wasn't ready for 130lbs of sprinting venison." Dahlheim would end up with an injured knee, road rash and eight stitches on his face. No word yet on whether his modeling agency will stick with him in through this tough period.
In a disturbing trend, two days later during the Sunday P/1/2 race, teammate and fellow cycling fashionista Tyler Jewell, 21, suffered a similar fate, wrecking into a deer at high speed. Preliminary reports say that he suffered no major injuries, just as rash of...road rash. Thankfully his cute little chubby (face) cheeks were unharmed.
The correlation between the stars, sunglasses, and levels of hotness were too striking to be brushed off as coincidence. Nicholas Kiernan, P.h.D of the Universtiy of Beerkley, theorized, "It's gotta be the stars, man." While Dr. Kiernan is pretty much the smartest person alive and is correct at least 99.99Ϡ45% of the time, his theory had a gaping hole in it. If they're so attracted to stars why didn't the deer go after the equally stargasmic team kit of Velossimo? It is rumored that the facial hair and unique aroma of team quarter-sized back Andrew Willis intimidated the deer from he and his teammates. However, the flashy sunglasses and HYB (Hot Young Boy) factor that the Velossimo squad lacks became clear, as Dr. Kiernan eloquently explains, "Yeah man, if I were a deer, I'd tackle them, too. I'd want to have their babies." Local deer were unable to be reached for comment, however this incriminating photo was received from an anonymous source.
Current Mood: Most likely better than Andrew and Tyler's
Currently listening to:
- Alaska In Winter - Close Your Eyes, We Are Blind (ft. Beirut)
- Health - Crimewave (Crystal Castles remix)
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